IT ALL STARTS WITH THE MUSIC BLOG 

The following blogs are an attempt to make sense of it all - the bigger picture with insight from hindsight and experience. And what better time than now?

WHAT YOU SEE IS NOT NECESSARILY WHAT YOU GET

“Believe half of what your see, son, and none of what you hear.” – “I Heard It Through The Grapevine” by Norman Whitfield and Barrett Strong

 

In the course of the last 40 years or so, I’ve performed at, worked on, or just attended perhaps 5,000 musical performances of every genre and circumstance imaginable - from audiences of six to those of 60,000 and from solo performers to large orchestras. In almost every one of them, I’ve been somewhat appalled by the reactions and impressions taken away by many of the audience members as to the relative value of the shows.  Far too many times, I’ve found, the general public has little to no idea as to the quality of the songs or musicianship, but rather are way more impressed by the visual. I’m not talking about staging or lights or smoke machines, but how the confidence exuded by the performers, given their appearance and stage presence, trumped even the most obvious less-than-stellar renditions of the artists’ material. 

 

My consternation led me to formulate my Audio/Visual Performance Ratio to which I’ve assigned a somewhat arbitrary 10%/90% (if only for the shock value of the statement), which means I believe that an audience rates a performance based on 10% of what they hear and 90% of what they see, whether they realize it or not.  This is not meant as an assault on the intelligence of the concert-going public. It is a well-documented natural tendency of humans to evaluate what they see long before surmising what they hear, as evidenced by the Norman Whitfield/Barrett Strong lyric above. 

 

Until recently, I have not seriously avowed my A/V Theory, as I’ve had no real backup for my statistic, mainly because it’s based on nothing but my own experience. But then I came upon two published studies which supported it, if only obliquely.  The first is from Malcolm Gladwell’s widely read 2005 book Blink, and the second from a 2013 Harvard doctoral thesis on classical piano competitions, neither of which is nearly as boring as it sounds. 

 

The first notion I had that this phenomenon had some legs was from Malcolm Gladwell’s Blink. In the Conclusion section of the book, somewhat as an afterthought or stinger, he recounts a recent movement by American classical music orchestras that had begun to stage their auditions with the musicians identified only by a number and performed from behind a screen. 

 

The idea behind the anonymity was for the audition panel to listen to the playing and not be swayed by what they might see. For as one unidentified veteran of many auditions told Gladwell (and I quote here without permission): “Some people look like they sound better than they actually sound, because they look confidant and have good posture. Other people look awful when they play but sound great. Other people have the ‘belabored’ look when they play, but you can’t hear it in the sound. There is always this dissonance between what you hear and what you see.” (Note: another benefit of these revamped auditions was that there are now more women in the first chairs of this historically male-dominated occupation.) 

 

The inference here is of great importance to the performing musician in any field of play. If you look like you know what you’re doing, even if you look belabored or emotionally wrought, you can apparently fool most of the people most of the time. 

 

But I had put the Gladwell dissertation aside as only tangentially related to my “Audio/Visual” or "A/V" theorem until I read about Juilliard-trained pianist (and former Miss Long Island!) Chia-Jung Tsay.  According to the article in the venerable LA Times, Ms. Tsay, “… often noticed that she was more likely to win (classical piano competitions) when she was on stage and audiences could make a visual connection with her.”  So, for her Harvard doctoral thesis, she ran seven controlled experiments with 1,164 novice listeners and experienced musicians who were asked to watch videos of a classical music piano competition.  Unlike Mr. Gladwell’s tale, there were no numbers or screens. 

 

The most amazing result of the experiments was that both groups could most accurately identify the eventual winners by watching videos of the performances with the sound off! The opinions of the original actual judges, it would appear then, were tainted by the competitors' appearance and stage presence over their musical performance expertise. I’m not too sure how to accurately interpret these findings, the silent part and all, but it does go a long way to support my 10%/90% theory, you must admit. But don’t take my word for it, here’s the link to the 2013 LA Times article: http://lat.ms/1wgdGpS 

 

All of this brings me around to what the performing musician can take away from these studies. Even if you don’t buy my 10%/90% position, at least you have to rethink the idea that it’s perhaps NOT ALL ABOUT THE MUSIC after all, at least in the live performance arena. Here are some suggestions: 

1) Back off trying to perfect your “sound” and start working on your stage presence and “look” instead.

2) Hire an experienced live performance coach and a stylist/wardrobe consultant for objective opinions.

3) Do not take advice from your mother, significant other or superfan.  Or worst of all, yourself. 

4) Practice your stage entry – an audience sizes up a performer in the first ten seconds of stage time, before you even get to the microphone.

5) Lose your current nervous mannerisms and replace your pointless between-song “How y'all doin’?” patter with some entertaining stories.  Rehearse those stories the same way you rehearse your songs – constantly – until they’re second nature and don’t appear to be rehearsed at all. 

6) Know the power of You Tube. It’s all about the visual. Once you have your look and body language down pat, record all your songs either live or lip-synched and put them up on the service. However, if you don’t have your mojo ready yet, only do lyric videos. Don’t do the live thing until you’re ready. 

7) Get some professional help. If you don’t know any, email me: larry@diditmusic.com 

The key is to look genuine and be believable on stage. Once you learn how to fake that, you’re in. 

 

“It’s not whether you win or lose; it's how good you look when it’s done.” David Lee Roth

QUICK LIVE PERFORMANCE QUIZ

There are a lot of things we all know (or think we know) about the in’s and out’s of live performance, since most of us have been dealing with it professionally for years. But do we? Take the Quick Live Performance Quiz and see! We’ll start with some stuff most of us already know. 

 

IT’S FAIRLY COMMON KNOWLEDGE THAT…   

…developing a great live show and building a live show fan base are essential to entice the attention of a manager, agent, record company or investor these days. If you don’t have a great live act to back up your music, the odds are decidedly against you. 

…the ability to sing and play your songs at the same time is a craft that can be taught and learned by rote. But to entertain? That is an art, and it can only be realized by taking the learned craft up one level into experimental rehearsal. 

…the first two things a performer needs to do in order to win over an audience are the same two things you need to do when meeting people for the first time. Make eye contact and smile – and do so frequently during the entire time you’re on stage. 

…when a performer is uncomfortable on stage, the audience is uncomfortable as well. 

…most recorded songs should be moved up a key or two for live performances in order to project more emotion. 

 

BUT DID YOU KNOW THAT… 

…90% of singer/songwriters make 90% of their income from live performances? The rest generally comes from publishing and merch, particularly if you look at music sales as merch. And you should. 

…most members of an audience make up their minds whether they like you or not within the first ten seconds you enter the stage, even before you get to the microphone? 

…your “snazzy” outfit, jewelry, hair style and even showing skin can work against the effectiveness of your performance? 

…most live performers today are blocking out a third of their visual communication with their audiences by bad mic technique? 

…a set list needs to be constructed according to feel, beat and tone, with a pattern to attract, entice, hold and excite an audience? And that a set of four songs may be a wholly different list of songs than a set of eight? 

 

WHAT IF I TOLD YOU THAT… 

…there are three ways to entertain an audience musically (melody, lyrics and rhythm) and you should aim for at least two of the three with every song? 

…in addition to planning a set so that everything goes right, a performing artist should have a secondary plan for when everything goes wrong? 

…the logos and wrong colors on your wardrobe, instruments, amplifiers, and backdrop can provide unnecessary distractions to the audience? 

…a note-for-note duplication of the recorded versions of your songs may not be best suited for live performance? 

...a visual representation of your name on stage helps the audience remember you? 

 

AND DID YOU REALIZE THAT… 

…performing artists need to commit their songs and patter to memory so that they will stop thinking about themselves and start thinking about entertaining the audience? 

…when all of the songs in a set are performed from the same place on a stage, they all seem to sound the same to an audience? 

…what happens between the last note of one song and the first note of the next is as important as the songs themselves? 

…practicing is not the same as rehearsing? 

…how a performer exits the stage is almost as important as the entrance? 

 

AND FINALLY THERE'S... 

…probably 90% of the audience knows nothing about how music is created, played or performed. Therefore, since the audience doesn’t know a verse from a chorus from a bridge, you as the performing artist have to visually let them know when you’re transitioning from one to another. 

…an effective way to get the attention of an audience is to briefly get very soft or real loud. 

…familiarity should dictate set length. If the audience is completely familiar with you and your songs, you should play for at least an hour; however if they don’t know you or your songs, you should play no more than a half hour TOPS. 

…an audience member will be more likely to buy your music after the show if the song that really moved them during the set is available at the merch table. 

…a performing artist should do things on stage that the audience could never do or would never think of doing anywhere, let alone in front of other people. 

 

How’d you do? 

15 - 20: Come on. You've done this before. 

10 - 15: A little refresher course might be in order. 

5 - 10: You need a good Live Performance Coach. 

0 - 5:   You need a great Live Performance Coach. 

A Live Performance Coach is aware of all of these things and more. All the more reason for musicians and performing artists to work with one before embarking on a stage career

THE UNCOMFORTABLE AND INEVITABLE BACKSTAGE AFTER SHOW MEET AND GREET

There comes a time in the life of everyone in the music business when one must suffer through the dreaded after show meet and greet with the artist.  To Fred and Marge in Iowa, it probably sounds like a dream come true – meeting the artist they’ve always loved and admired in the dressing room where they can gush about how wonderful the show was and how much they enjoyed hearing the song that was played at their wedding, ad nauseum.

But we know it’s not like that, is it? All of that has been relegated to the before show fan/VIP/winner/radio meet and greet. The after show is now strictly the domain of the industry (booking agent, music publisher, record label radio promo and publicist) being set up by management and tradition so that you have to meet with the artist on the artist’s turf and try and have a painless conversation. Witness the attached backstage photo of the late Ahmet Ertegun, founder of Atlantic Records, and David Crosby of Crosby, Stills & Nash, circa 1974. Do either of them all that happy to be there? Actually, Ahmet always looked comfortable no matter where he went. Class act. David? Not so much.

 

Anyway, all the industry dweebs gather near a backstage entrance, like cattle being led to slaughter, and have to listen to a diatribe from a security or road person about having your stick-on pass visible at all times. Then, once again like sheep, you’re led down a badly lit hallway or two (should you drop breadcrumbs?), and finally into a large room, which is conversely lit well enough for open-heart surgery. There you will congregate with the bass player’s distant cousins from Peoria and strike up a conversation with them over warm beer and the vegetable and cheese trays left over from the before show function. After some interminable amount of time, a band personal assistant will gather you and the other unfortunate industry types for yet another journey down a few more hallways until you are shown into the inner sanctum – the artist’s dressing room.

 

First, there will be some embarrassing re-introductions because no matter how many times management has told the artist who’s going to come backstage, it’s all forgotten. Then you’ll try and help the artist put together who you are, when you last met them, and what you mean to his or her career, oftentimes inflating it more than it really is. Then you’ll talk about what efforts you’ve been making on the artist’s behalf and what the results are so far. You can only hope that the artist isn’t more well informed than you are on the subject, otherwise a cross examination will begin that may turn ugly.

 

If you can manage to steer the conversation away from any specifics about the show, the better off you’ll be. But in the end, there’s really nothing else to talk about - the artist is going to ask you what you thought of the show. You’re somewhat required to say something complimentary, even if you think it sucked. And then, no matter what you say, the artist will disagree. 

You: “What a great show!” Artist: “No, it was horrible.”  

You: “What a great audience!” Artist: “Nah, they were putrid!” 

This is not a path you want to go down. You will have to re-state your original opinion and the artist will re-state theirs and then you’re stuck in an argumentative spiral. The only thing left for you to do then is to spill something on your clothes and excuse yourself to go clean it off and not come back.

 

However, that awkward (and messy) situation can easily be prevented, avoiding, among other things, an unnecessary drycleaning bill. If you were to rehearse a few well-placed lines to head off the backlash, you may have a shot of getting out of there unscathed. And if you’re REALLY good at it, you even might be able to get away with a left-handed compliment or an off-hand remark that could be interpreted either way and perhaps fly right by unnoticed.  Of course, I’ve come prepared with some examples, culled from the 5,000 or so meet and greets I’ve done over the years. Don’t do the math.

 

First of all, you might try avoiding the subject of the actual artist’s performance altogether and compliment something less subjective:

“Nice lights – who’s your production designer?”

“Great kick and snare sounds – I need to tell your drummer – where is he?”

“This is the best venue for sight lines/dancing/restrooms/whatever.”

 

Or you might be better off saying something that can’t be verified:

“There was a whole crowd of fans in the back who drove in from last night’s show!”

“Everyone around me was singing along with every song.”

“You could hear your vocals all the way in the back, clear as a bell.”

“Security said it was the nicest/ugliest/weirdest/loudest/tallest/rowdiest crowd they’ve ever had in here.”

 

If you’d rather take a chance with an off-hand remark that sounds good but has nothing to do with the actual performance, you might try one of these.  If the artist has a sense of humor, he or she might smile. If not, then don’t try it – could backfire, branding you as a smartass.

“Not a bad crowd for the size of the people.”

“Great walk-up in spite of the weather.”

“Big beer sales but the men’s rooms were noticeably empty – weird, huh?”

 

If you’re trapped into responding to the “What did you think of the show” question, try these to deflect the question and take the edge off, all at the same time:

“What can I say?”

“Well, you’ve done it again!”

“It all came together in the encore!”

“You had them eating right out of your hand!”

“You played like you never played before!” (Note: Careful with this one. It could go the wrong way if they’re paying attention.)

 

No matter what happens, there’s going to be a point at which everything has been said and you have to leave. Before anyone has a chance to throw you out, here are some time-tested exit lines:

“Hey, look at the time! And the parking garage closes at midnight. We’d better get going.”

“I think the union wants everybody out of here or they go into golden time and we don’t want that!”

“I’ve got to make a call to Australia before they close up shop for the day down there.” (Note: the beauty of this one is that no one ever knows what time it is in Australia. Even the Australians who have moved here aren’t too sure, other than it’s sometime tomorrow.)

 

There you go! You get in and you get out without saying anything you could be held accounted for.  Just keep that stick-on pass where I can see it.

The Top Five Things Singer/Songwriters Are Doing On Stage That Need To Be Fixed

There are at least a hundred ways for every singer/songwriter to improve his or her chances of success, but these are the five I already know that need to be addressed without even seeing your show. They are inherent the performance of virtually all aspiring (and sadly many seasoned) singer/songwriters. LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT ALL FIVE IN ASCENDING ORDER.

FIX #5: WHAT'S YOUR NAME?  How many times has someone told you about a great act they saw the night before but had no idea as to the artist’s name? Hang a banner in the back, put a logo on the front of your keyboard, have your name in pearl inlays on your fretboard, whatever. Make sure that there’s something on stage that somehow visually embeds your name into the mind's eye of each audience member so that they will remember you, your music, and your name!

FIX #4: NO VISUAL VARIETY  If all of your songs are sung into a mic standing at center stage, the audience will be bored by song three. Move the mic stand to different places on the stage, sit on the front of the stage, go into the crowd, use a bar stool, sing something a cappella away from the mic and get the audience to sing along. Every song must be presented with a different visual; otherwise all of your songs are going to all “sound alike” to your audience.

FIX #3: TOO MANY DISTRACTIONS  The audience only needs to see your mouth, your eyes and your hands. THAT'S IT! Other than your name on a banner, everything else on stage that may divert their attention away from those three visual means of communication is an unnecessary distraction. That means no flowered shirts or pants, no red boots, no wild hats or hairdos, no white guitars, no musical instrument logos, and above all, no skin.

FIX #2: TOO MANY MID-TEMPO SONGS  Mid-tempo songs are stock-in-trade for all budding singer/songwriters; but when they're performed live to an unfamiliar audience, they're boring, boring, boring.  The first and best way to get an audience to respond to you right away is by the FEEL of the first couple of songs of your set. An up-tempo song (preferably a shuffle) gets their heads nodding and their feet tapping. Always start and end your set with an up-tempo song.

AND THE #1 FIX THAT EVERY SINGER/SONGWRITER NEEDS TO DO RIGHT NOW: STOP EAITING THE MIC!  Again, you have three ways to visually communicate your emotions to your audience - your hands, your eyes, and your mouth. When you eat the mic, no one can really see your expressions, which are the visual cues to the emotions behind your lyrics. I recommend using your own mic - preferably a Shure Beta 58A - it has a boosted vocal midrange and it inhibits extraneous sounds. (Side note: lose the shades as well.)

The 96 other ways to improve your show and your career are spelled out in greater detail in my newest book – The Singer/Songwriter Rule Book: 101 Ways to Improve Your Chances of Success – available at Amazon/Kindle in digital and print at https://amzn.to/2B43TzS

A TRIBUTE TO THE ROAD MANAGER – PRAISE AND A PRAYER

When Elvis Presley’s fiancée Ginger Alden found him unconscious in the Graceland upstairs bathroom at 2:00 pm on August 16, 1977, she called to Joe Esposito, Elvis’s longtime road manager. Joe immediately ran upstairs, surveyed the situation, and went right to work. He called for an ambulance from the bathroom phone and he attempted mouth-to-mouth resuscitation and heart massage, but to no avail. However, by the time the paramedics arrived, the bathroom and the adjacent sitting room had been cleaned up, as well as the vomit from the shag carpet in the bathroom. A road manager always knows exactly what to do when faced with any set of circumstances.

 

The following is a shout out, a testimonial, some observations, pratfalls and a warning to the unsung heroes of the touring business – the road managers. These men and women are also known as tour managers, the distinction being that on larger tours, the tour manager oversees everything and the road manager takes care of the artist(s). On mid-level to small tours, the road manager does everything. Everything.

 

At first glance, this road manager gig would seem to be the best job in the music business. It’s a total power trip for a control freak. Everything must be done the way you want it to be done. If you say the show is off, it’s off. If you say everyone must be in the van by 8am, that’s what everyone does. One does not question the road manager. He or she rules. Except that’s not always how it works. There’s also a downside.

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First of all, EVERYTHING IS YOUR PROBLEM AND YOUR FAULT. If the drummer gets drunk and leaves his passport in an unknown bar, that’s your problem. If a rental amp blows up, that’s your fault. If it SNOWS – that’s your problem AND your fault. Everything that could go wrong will go wrong and it’s your responsibility to clean it up, make it work, and make it look like everything’s fine.

 

To the artist, it’s all about the music; but to the road manager, it’s all about the money: "We’re not paying for the extra security!" "Put all of the leftover catering on the bus!" "Where are the receipts for these deductions?" (On tour, it doesn’t really matter what you do, as long as you get a receipt.) 

 

You’re the first one up in the morning and the last one to bed at night. (Not the last one to sleep; just the last one to bed. Actual sleeping goes in this order: crew, road manager, keyboards, bassist, drummer, singer, guitarist. And note that there’s difference between going to sleep and passing out, as there is between waking up and coming to.) Added perk: an unwritten rule of the road is that the road manager gets the single room; everyone else doubles up, if they get a room at all (see: Crew).

 

As road manager, you have to wake up in the morning and assume that EVERYONE with whom you will come in contact during the next sixteen or so hours will be out to screw with you in some way or another. And so not only do you then have to become ever vigilant, you also have drop your professional demeanor and become an UNQUALIFIED JERK to everyone within shouting distance when the situation demands it, which is quite often. It’s the only way to get through the day. And you have to initiate it or else someone is going to cut a corner and take advantage of you and hope you don’t notice. It wears you out. Fast.

 

But if you are good at being a jerk at the drop of a hat and, even better, enjoy doing it, this could be the job for you. And if you’re REALLY, REALLY good at it, you will be rewarded with better jobs and better pay and better tours. But there’s the trap. In the music business, if you’re really good at something, especially road/tour management, then you get typecast and you can’t get out. It’s the devil’s bargain. You will forever be considered a great road/tour manager, but you will not be considered good for anything else – you’re trapped in a second-class position, albeit well paid and always working, but it’s a dead end. There is no advancement or promotion. So, now you’re stuck in a job that requires you to be a jerk all day, every day. What to do??

 

HOW TO STOP BEING A ROAD MANAGER

  1. Do it badly and get fired. (Not good for your chances of finding another job in the biz.)
  2. Quit. (Even worse for your reputation.)
  3. Do it really well. (As noted above, you’ll get more jobs and you’ll be well compensated, but you’ll be typecast.)
  4. Do it a little better than competently. (But enough to hang onto the job for now until something else comes along.)

 

Years ago, when I decided I was never going to able to play keyboards as well as Rick Wakeman, let alone be in a band as good as Yes, I switched over to the Road Manager job for a few years, by doing it a little better than competently, trying not to be too big of a jerk.

 

While I was on the road, driving the van, dealing with God’s-gift-to-women-and-song musicians, sleazy club owners and drunken crews, staying in cheap motels and eating bad food at all hours, there’d be this guy from the Warner Bros. Records Artist Relations Department along on the tour. But he would be flying between cities, getting limos, staying in nice hotels, taking people to dinner, buying drinks for everyone, and leaving early.

 

And I said to myself, I want that job. So, I started doing favors for the Warner rep – extra backstage passes, getting the guitar player up before noon for a radio interview, stuff like that. When I got back to LA, I went to the Warners home office in Burbank. I found this guy’s boss and told him that I knew how to do that job backwards and forwards. He bought it and gave me the gig.

 

And so here are my accolades and a prayer for all road managers today: I respect and admire the job you’re doing, the touring business would fall apart without you, but for God’s sake, get out as soon as you can.

 

FOOTNOTE: There are big differences among American, British and Australian road/tour managers. Anyone who has ever dealt with all three has certainly experienced the inevitable cultural differences in approach. However, that discussion is way beyond the scope of this blog. Just be aware. Very aware.

 

FURTHER FOOTNOTE: After Elvis died, Joe Esposito went to work for Jerry Weintraub, road managing Michael Jackson, The Bee Gees, Karen Carpenter and John Denver, but apparently was not present at any of their deaths. He has consulted on many Elvis documentaries and dramatizations and has authored several Elvis books (as I would, were I he). He has accepted his lot in life and my hat is off to him. Thanks, Joe!

A BOOMER’S TEN RULES FOR CONCERT PROMOTERS

“People today are still living off the table scraps of the sixties.” – Bob Dylan

Ah, once again, a toast to the good old days of Baby Boomer music - back when artists only had to churn out two great and ten good songs and then their record company would handily foist those songs, 12 at a time, onto the waiting general public sponge through an arrangement with all-too-willing radio stations and voluminous 9am-midnight record stores.

That was the machinery that then allowed the artist to tour, virtually at will, to play all sorts of dumps and dives (and later the lawn seating general admission heat fests) at any time of the year that they so chose. Everyone had to put up with the long lines, the late sets, the uncomfortable (if available) seating, the bad food, watered down drinks, dark and scary distant parking – because we loved the music and we were all in it together. We needed to see and hear our favorite artists, live and in person, and we would go to any lengths to get there. It was a red badge of courage to detail to friends, family and co-workers the ordeal one had to go through to get tickets, fight the crowds, and stand for hours on end to catch the show. After all, the artist wouldn’t be back in town for at least another year or so, depending on how long it took to write and record the next album, which we were already craving.

Well, thank God that’s over.

The digital intervention has certainly changed the artist/album/record company/radio station/record store flight path so that we Boomers (and everyone else) can pick and choose tracks and download or stream them for a fraction of the cost of a vinyl album or CD, and all without leaving the comfort and privacy of our own device screen. But what about the live experience in the new century? Any change for the better? Not really. And that’s where the live industry needs to wake up.

We Boomers have more disposable income than any other segment of the population. And we have that rock and pop music fan live experience in our blueprint, even for today’s music, because, as the Dylan quote above intimates, has rock and pop music really changed all that much since the ‘60s? I mean really. (I'm not going to go into how much better the music used to be. Save that for another discussion.)

So now it's time for us Boomers to put everyone involved on notice. We are not going to put up with that same exasperating experience from the days of yore. We’re older, wiser and more particular about how we spend our leisure time and we're willing to pay for a more comfortable performance experience. Here’s a list of rules that need to be met if the artist/agent/promoter troika wants to tap into the Boomer gold mine again.

(NOTE: These suggestions are aimed at theaters and arenas, but a lot of them spill over into clubs and sheds.) (FURTHER NOTE: Virtually none of this applies to festivals. They can't be saved.)

Rule 1: All (and I mean ALL) tickets must be available online, with all-in, dynamic pricing (including a parking option) and confirmed, reserved seating. Tickets can be printed at home or office, along with an identical mobile option for scanning at venue if paper gets lost. You guys figure out how that’s going to work; just make sure that it’s easy for us to use (think intuitive). We're pretty good at ordering stuff online - Amazon relies on us for their bottom line.

Rule 2: All shows must start at a decent hour, like 7pm. It's OK that it's not dark when the show starts. That way we can allow enough time to leave work, drop off the babysitter, pick up the spouse and head for the venue. We may even show up in the soccer mom minivan. Sorry - you are what you drive and we're pretty comfortable with that these days, thanks.

Rule 3: All venues must have convenient, well-lit, secured, maintained and fully staffed parking structures or lots, with good signage and competent people directing traffic.  And spaces big enough to accommodate the aforementioned minivan. No stacked parking - we may need to leave early if the babysitter calls. Valets are not necessary; we can still walk!

Rule 4: Figure out a way so that we do not have to wait in any kind of line for anything. No metal detectors or searches at entry. What do we look like? Punks? Gang bangers? Come on. And no stage security is required either. We're not going to try to sneak backstage or let our friends in through the fire exit. We stopped doing that after Woodstock.

Rule 5: Decent, clean food must be served at several fully staffed stations inside the venue. Back off the meat and the carbs (doctor’s orders), but there’s no need to go strictly vegan. You know, like chicken salad, flavored waters, protein bars or shakes. We don’t need any coffee at this late hour – too close to bedtime and we need all the sleep we can get. A lot of us still drink though (against doctor's orders), which I'm sure is still an attractive revenue source.

Rule 6: Two support acts perform 20-minute sets between 7pm and 8pm.  That’s all we can put up with – our attention span for unfamiliar things has sadly shortened, but we do like to be entertained. The headliner goes on promptly at 8pm, plays the hits and is off by 9pm (9:30 at the latest) so we can get home, pay the babysitter and still be in bed by 11. Some of us have jobs, you know, and we really can’t keep those late hours anymore and still function the next day. That’s for kids.

Rule 7: Venue must have some sort of separate fairly quiet area with seating to check our phones for messages (like from the babysitter) and get away from the show if we want to.  And please place these areas close to the large, clean, well-lit restrooms. Two ladies rooms for every one men’s. No attendants needed. We can wash our own hands.

Rule 8: Staggered and/or auditorium seating preferred. Individual seats with cup holders if there’s no table. No bench seating – we don’t like each other that much - proper chairs to support our bad backs. No standing - our trick knees can't do that anymore. Fans who want to stand or dance (or take photos or video) during the show should be escorted to the sides of the room, keeping our sight lines open. Did I mention good ventilation and air-conditioning? I meant to.

Rule 9: Venue PA speakers must be spread around the room and positioned well above our heads, up and away from all seating. No need for major high-end tweeters or bowel-moving sub-woofers - we can hear just fine, thank you. And there’s certainly no need to play loud recorded music between sets; maybe just enough to allow us to talk to one another WITHOUT SCREAMING. No DJ required – just pipe in some Sirius XM channel befitting the headliner. And please let the lighting guy know that there's no reason for us to be better lit than the artist. Keep those Vari-lights pointed at the stage, not at us. We came to see the show, not each other. It's not exciting; it's blinding.

Rule 10: Have uniformed staff members thank everyone as we're leaving. These helpful staff members should also be available and knowledgeable to attend to any of our problems, concerns, questions, etc. Send follow-up thank-you’s to those who provided emails when ordering tickets. That's the way we were brought up.

That's it - just ten. To address half of them would be a start. And we aren't looking for idle promises - just results. Once the word gets out that the concert experience has changed for the better, we'll hear about it (think Yelp) and we'll be back. We love live shows - we grew up with them. We want to get back to our youth - but without all the hassle. We'll be waiting! 

"You have to respect your audience. Without them, you're essentially standing alone, singing to yourself." - k.d. lang

HOW SINGER/SONGWRITERS CAN SAVE $100,000 RIGHT AWAY

$100 K. I thought that would get everyone’s attention. And it’s the first thing I say when I meet with young singer/songwriters and their parents as we start the educational process of moving up from the basic performance skills of singing their own songs and playing guitar or piano to the rarefied air of the art of entertaining. That’s what live music performance coaches do.

Usually, the teenager has spent a few years mastering those skills and his or her parents are dutifully impressed enough to begin to support (and finance) the next steps in their aspiring offspring’s musical career. But I almost always find that once the passable performance plateau is reached, the student assumes (and somehow has convinced the parents) that the next goals are to record and release and album, make a video or two, and then go on tour. 

That’s where I step in and save them the $100K (at least for now) as well as the time spent doing all of those things too soon. First, we need to discover IF the son or daughter is ready for those things or not. My experience is not. 

Let’s start by doing the math behind the $100K figure. 

ALBUM: To do things right as far as creating a well-produced album of 12 songs (assuming the songs are ready to be recorded at all): $25K. Yes, you can do it cheaper, but if you’re not going to do it well, why do it at all? Then there is the matter of the sales, marketing, promotion, advertising, publicity, etc. (which can run into the hundreds of thousands of dollars). But for the sake of argument, we’ll go low budget here: $25K. 

So, there’s $50K right there. The track record for professional marketing, promotion, sales and publicity people working a new artist with no fan base and only $25K is spotty at best. So since you have no fan base, the album goes nowhere. Money down a rat hole. 

VIDEO: Pretty much the same deal. You can do it cheaply, but why? Do it professionally and correctly or else it’s a total waste of time and money. One relatively inexpensive professional video: $25K. I know because I recently was asked to keep track of budding artist’s video costs for her parents. Since there was no fan base, nothing happened. 

TOURING: Given that the young artist has no fan base in his or her hometown, let alone regionally or nationally, the only hope is a buyout as third/fourth/fifth on a bill with some friends headlining. The cost of that buyout, once you include travel and lodging at any level, food, gear, band, crew, whatever - let’s call it another $25K. Don’t think so? Have you budgeted any tours recently at the level we’re talking about here? I have. That’s a fair number to do a four-week tour as a buyout with no income. And at then end of the day, you’re an unfamiliar artist performing your unfamiliar songs to an unfamiliar audience. How do you think that's going to work out? 

So there’s your $100K. Now it must be pretty obvious that there’s no sense in spending all that money when you’re just starting out. What’s the potential ROI? Easy answer: None. Here’s why. 

YOU’RE NOT READY. The precursor to making an album and a video and going out on tour isn’t the fact that you have written your own songs and that you have some modicum of experience of singing and playing from a open-mic night stage for your family and friends. The mandatory thing you need to accomplish first is to learn how to not just perform for an audience, but to ENTERTAIN an audience. Just standing center stage behind a stationary mic stand and singing your mid-tempo songs, one at a time, is NOT ENTERTAINING. 

If, instead, the artist were to spend the time (and a lot less money) to learn the craft and art of entertaining an audience from a stage on a regular basis, many things would/could/should happen. First of all, gradually the singer/songwriter would learn which songs work and which ones don’t just from audience response. That would make it way easier to decide which songs to record. 

Then the subsequent lessons taught and learned about how to enter a stage, how to move around, and how to use visuals and your physical presence to convey emotion in the delivery of your songs will all go a long way toward deciding how to look, act and behave when it comes time to invest in the making of a video of the song that gets the best response. 

But mostly, the knowledge and experience of being able to genuinely entertain an audience of complete strangers will prepare you for the proper time when you leave your comfortable hometown crowd and be called upon to do so on a nightly basis for people who couldn’t care less about you or your hometown crowd. 

In fact, if you’re successful in the pursuit of knowing how to entertain an audience and draw ever-increasing numbers of ticket buyers to your shows, perhaps the parents won’t have to shell out the $100K after all. There are plenty of record companies, managers, agents, attorneys, promoters, publicists, and all other forms of artist support out there looking for promising successful singer/songwriters. But they aren’t just looking for talent – there’s talent everywhere. They’re looking for ENTERTAINMENT and for artists who have worked hard to attain those goals. Those are the attributes you need to have to attract the attention of the industry. 

Oh, did I mention that none of this can be accomplished in a weekend or a month and maybe not even a year? It takes consistent, concentrated effort to achieve all of this. And just as you probably had instruction in learning how to play guitar and piano and to sing properly and write songs, you’re going to need instruction from a live performance coach in order to get up to the next level – that of an ENTERTAINER! Be sure to find a coach who’s going to save you $100K right off the bat. Go to my website - www.diditmusic.com - to learn more.

YOUR NAME IS YOUR LIFE BUT HOW DO YOU SPELL THAT?

"FAME. FAME. FAME. FAME. FAME. FAME. FAME. FAME. FAME. FAME. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?" - David (Jones) Bowie

Recently, the Scripps National Spelling Bee ended in a tie for the second year in a row. Vanya Shivashankar and Gokul Venkatachalam both correctly spelled through the list of 11 championship words, which included such everyday terms as boquetiere (an assortment of fresh vegetables) and hippocrepiform (shaped like a horseshoe), to share in the trophy. I would suggest that there could have been an obvious tiebreaker to establish a true winner of the spelling bee – each of the finalists should have been asked to spell each other’s last name.

 

But I really feel badly for them. They're both going to be spending a good portion of the rest of their lives spelling their names for school administrators, government workers and, dare I say it, their fans!

 

And, what's worse, sociologists tell us that your name is your life. It shapes who you are during your formative years and changing it after you go out into the world will have little to no effect on who you really are. All your personality traits are instilled by that age and whatever name you carried around up to that point, that’s who you are. 

 

So Marilyn Manson is still Ohio-born Brian Warner, Queen Latifah is Dana Owens underneath all that talent, Lil Wayne can’t shake being Dwayne Carter, Jr., calling herself St. Vincent doesn't cover up the real Annie Clark, and recent RnR Hall of Fame inductees Richard Starkey and Joan Larkin only pretend to be Ringo Starr and Joan Jett, respectively.

 

Everyone who wants to become an entertainer should at some point early on decide if their given name is indeed befitting star status. Or, more objectively, can it be pronounced and spelled by the general public? I would have to assume that would be the underlying reason why Farrokh Bulsara came to be known as Freddie Mercury. And why Calvin Broadus, Jr. decided that perhaps his fans might find Snoop Dogg easier to spell. And obviously who would want to be Chiam Witz when Gene Simmons was available?

 

Of course, there are many reasons other than spelling and pronunciation to change your name to get into show biz. Is your current name unattractive, dull or unintentionally amusing? Is the new name more memorable or attention getting? Will it automatically depict you as an entertainer? Does your original name depict you as someone other than what you’d like your admiring public to think of you?

 

What if you’re stuck with a name that’s more or less spellable but clunky? Well, it might be best then to search out something cooler. Reginald Kenneth Dwight became Elton Hercules John, Declan MacManus chose Elvis Costello, Vincent Furnier came out as Alice Cooper, Stevland Judkins liked Stevie Wonder better, O’Shea Jackson is now Ice Cube, Tramar Dillard turned into Flo Rida, and Stefani Germanotta was remodeled as Lady Gaga (and went out on tour with the former Anthony Benedetto).

 

And although their original names were comparatively easy to spell and pronounce, Shawn Carter switched to Jay Z, Elizabeth Grant is now addressed as Lana Del Rey, William Broad picked out Billy Idol, John Stephens would rather be referred to as John Legend, Curtis Jackson III is better known as 50 Cent, John Gillis liked Jack White better, and James Smith uses the moniker LL Cool J (which stands for Ladies Love Cool James). Who knew?

 

Then again, if people were having trouble spelling Amethyst Kelly, why would Iggy Azalea be any better? And was there really a need for Yvette Stevens to harken back to Chaka Khan? Or Cameron Thomaz to Wiz Khalifa? I think we can rule out spelling simplification as the motivation.

 

To their defense, David Jones was restyled as David Bowie because there already was a bloke by the name of Davy Jones (real name) in the Monkees.  Robert Cummings first transposed to Rob Straker to avoid any confusion with the actor of the same name, and then took it one step further to Rob Zombie. And Katheryn Hudson says that she adopted her mother’s maiden name to be called Katy Perry, so that there would be no mix up with actress Kate Hudson – all three, perfectly legitimate reasons.

 

But it was management who convinced John Mellencamp to modulate to John Cougar and cajoled Keith Richards to scratch the “s” on the end of his last name. Both artists reverted back to their original surnames a few years later. Taking the management thing one step too far, Ike Turner married Anna Mae Bullock in order to change her name to Tina.

 

And how many times do you suppose Sara Bareilles was told that her last name was too confusing to spell or pronounce and to change it?  Jason Desrouleaux acknowledged the problem and replaced it with Jason Derulo, which is a simplified spelling of his French surname’s pronunciation. But rather than force his French name onto an unsuspecting American public, Christopher Breaux substituted Frank Ocean.

 

But maybe it was cultural identity that convinced Robert Zimmerman to convert to Bob Dylan, Jeffrey Hyman to Joey Ramone, Carol Klein to Carole King, Peter Hernandez to Bruno Mars, James Osterberg to Iggy Pop, Francesco Castelluccio to take on Frankie Valli, Steven Tallarico to emerge as Steven Tyler, and Mike Rosenberg to carry on with his former band name Passenger?

 

And sometimes it’s easier just to stick with your first name, if it’s a good one, and be done with it – Beyoncé (Knowles), Madonna (Ciccone), Cher (Sarkisian) – or assume one nickname and discard your given name altogether  - Sting (Gordon Sumner), Flea (Michael Balzary), Bono and The Edge (Paul Hewson and David Evans), Lorde (Ella Yelich-O’Connor), Slash (Saul Hudson), Drake (Aubrey Graham), Pitbull (Armando Pérez), Pink (Alecia Moore), and Macklemore (Ben Haggerty).

 

Apparently, all DJ’s are in some kind of witness protection program: Avicii was Tim Bergling, Deadmau5 is Joel Zimmerman, Diplo is Thomas Pentz, Kaskade is Ryan Raddon, Tiesto is Tijs Verwest, Moby is Richard Hall, and Skrillex is Sonny Moore to his fans and to his mother.

 

But in a stroke of genius, many rock and pop stars kept their real names, although only Elvis Presley, Justin Bieber and Sam Smith come to mind.

 

"What's your name? What's your name? Shooby-doo-bop-bah-dah!" – Don and Juan’s 1962 hit "What's Your Name?" Don was actually Roland Trone and Juan’s real name was Claude Johnson.

THE MUSIC BUSINESS RUNS ON SUSHI –

BUT ARE YOU DOING IT CORRECTLY?

Back in the early ‘80s, Island Records founder Chris Blackwell, after signing Irish-rockers U2, decided to stay ahead of some imaginary country-of-origin curve and signed Japanese art/punk rock band Plastics (or The Plastics). As Island was at the time distributed by Warners, I was assigned to accompany the band as the Artist Relations rep on their maiden tour of America to facilitate promotional activities.

The best thing about the tour was that we would entertain radio and press at very nice Japanese restaurants in America where the band would order dishes not on the menu that defied description and pronunciation. Outside of the major markets, however, we would have to sublimate on just the sushi and sashimi on the menu. But as a result, I learned a lot from the band about the etiquette and procedure for properly ordering and eating sushi.

Fast forward to a sushi restaurant the other night (before a show, naturally) where I realized that, for all of the sushi consumption that keeps the music biz running on a daily basis, most of my colleagues are not aware of the correct ways in which one orders and consumes sushi. In fact, most of the others at the dinner admitted that they were only copying something they saw someone else do years ago, which wasn’t necessarily correct. Therefore, as an apparent altruistic public service, allow me to pass on a few major points about sushi given to me in the nicest possible manner by the members of The Plastics.

CAVEAT: A full comprehension of Japanese dining etiquette and the extensive nomenclature surrounding the art of sushi are way beyond the scope of this blog. But it’s kind of like publishing – if you know anything at all, you know more than 90% of anyone else in the music business.

First of all, some DEFINITIONS are in order: the word sushi refers to the sticky, vinegary rice that serves as the basis of the cuisine and which, by the way, is considered to be more important than the fish. Here are some things we call sushi which aren’t: a sushi roll is maki; a hand roll is temaki; a strip of sushi rice with a piece of fish stuck on top is nigiri; and strips of fish without the sushi rice is sashimi – OK, you probably knew the last one.

NOTE: The sushi bar is for ordering sushi only. If you or someone in your party would prefer teriyaki, tempura, edamame, or the like, sit at a table.

As you’ll be eating with your hands, begin by wiping your fingers with the provided warm, wet towel. (If a wet towel is not offered, the place might be a little suspect. Move to a table and order the teriyaki.) After the hand cleaning, put the towel aside. Never apply it to your face (or anywhere else you might think to use a wet towel).

Greet the chef and, if he speaks English, ask what he recommends. Do not talk to the chef during preparation or dining. Never offer or attempt to hand money to the chef as a tip. Afterwards you may offer to buy two shots of sake – one for each of you. And if you have the occasion, compliment the chef on the rice. Again, it’s all about the rice.

Pour only a small amount of soy sauce in the small cup and add to it as needed. Never leave soy sauce in the cup at the end of the meal – bad manners.

Do not mix wasabi in with the soy sauce, unless you’re eating sashimi. BTW, real wasabi is an expensive vegetable found only in Japan. What you’re getting is horseradish dyed green to look like wasabi. The chef has already put the correct amount of real wasabi in the sushi. Do not add anymore unless you really HAVE to. It insults the chef when you do. If you MUST add more wasabi, use your chopsticks to pick up the smallest dab and brush it on top of the fish – never the rice. Same thing with the soy sauce – only a brush on the fish at the very most. Do not dip or soak. Bad, bad, bad.

EATING SUSHI

Lift the sushi (actually nigiri) between your thumb and middle finger. In a deft manner that requires some practice beforehand, turn the nigiri upside down in a counterclockwise motion (sorry – it may seem as if I’m making this stuff up – I’m not!). Lightly brush only the fish in the soy sauce – never the rice. Never shake any soy sauce off of the fish; in fact, never shake sushi for any reason. Any item with sauce or other ingredients already on the top, i.e., eel (unagi), should not be turned over and brushed with any soy sauce at all.

Place the sushi upside down in your mouth so the fish is directly on the tongue. Savor it on the tongue for a moment before chewing or gulping or whatever it is that you do with your sushi once it’s in your mouth.

Do not bite or cut off half of the serving; eat the whole thing. If sushi sizes are generally too big for you, ask your chef to prepare smaller versions for you. The exception is the hand roll, of course, that you have to eat in several bites. Hand rolls are generally more of a fast food take out item in Japan.

Eat a piece of the ginger between mouthfuls – it cleans the palate. It can be picked up with chopsticks or your fingers. Never mix the ginger with anything or put it in your mouth with other food.

Do not order more than you can eat. Eat everything – never waste food that you have put on your plate.

Miso soup is meant to be consumed after the meal as a way to help settle the food. Ask for it after the sushi, but before the check. If no spoon is provided, pick up the bowl with both hands and bring it to your mouth. Slurping your soup is encouraged – it shows you’re enjoying it. Honest.

More recent etiquette says leave your cellphone shut off in your purse or pocket. No posting food photos or checking email. Rude!

With the exception of sashimi, all sushi is to be eaten with the fingers. For everything else, there are CHOPSTICKS. There’s way too much information about the care and handling of chopsticks to even begin to list here. Safe to say there are a few basic rules that, if followed correctly, you’ll never get called out at any location where they only speak English and take dollars.

  • Do not rub chopsticks together to remove splinters. Do not play your favorite drumbeat with them. Do not wave them around or point them at anyone or anything including the food. Do not pass food to anyone using chopsticks. Do not suck sauce off the ends. Do not nibble on them or use them for any other activity. Do not cross your chopsticks – unless it’s your objective to show everyone the symbol of death.
  • The “secret” of using chopsticks is to only move the top one. Do not hold them in your hand using all five fingers. That’s all I can tell you – you’re on your own from there. Like any skill, it takes practice, which would be best done in the comfort and privacy of your own home before you try it out in public. I’m still working on it.
  • You are allowed to use your chopsticks to tear apart larger pieces of food, although you should never stab your food with a chopstick. It’s not a knife or a fork.
  • When not in use, place your chopsticks to the right of your serving area, preferably with the tips on the provided rest and NEVER point them in anyone’s direction.
  • Putting the chopsticks on top of your bowl or plate indicates that you’re done and the server will remove everything immediately. You’ll want to avoid that.
  • When the meal is completed and if you were provided with disposable chopsticks, place them back inside the paper wrapper as best you can and leave them to the right of your plate.

Now you’re ready for your big coming out sushi dinner. Enjoy!

PLASTICS TOUR FUN FACT: When the band arrived and the tour began, one minor problem surfaced – the band spoke little to no English and my Japanese was, of course, non-existent. I bought Berlitz Japanese/English dictionaries for everyone, but that didn’t work. Somehow in the back and forth though, we discovered that both the lead singer and I had studied and remembered enough high school French to carry on a decent conversation. So, we spent the rest of the tour communicating in bad French. For press and radio interviews, I would translate the question into some basic French and the singer would discuss it with the band in Japanese, of course, and come back to me in French; whereupon I would try and interpret it as best I could back to the writer or DJ. Most of the time I just made it up.

STINGER: Halfway into the tour, the lead singer approached me, acting very nervous, and in broken French pointed out that the band members eat Japanese food back home all the time and, while in America, they would rather experience some American cuisine. Well, duh. I apologized profusely and from there on out, it was my turn to do the ordering. Domo arigato!

HOW TO BECOME A SUCCESSFUL PERFORMING ARTIST IN THE NEW MILLENNIUM – PART ONE

HOW TO BECOME A SUCCESSFUL PERFORMING ARTIST IN THE NEW MILLENNIUM - PART TWO

THE SEVEN RULES OF THE ROAD